


you've really got a lot to say

by thehandsoftime



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Closeted Character, Coming Out, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-06 14:50:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10336992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehandsoftime/pseuds/thehandsoftime
Summary: In which Nick Bjugstad and Kyle Rau tell their family and friends about their relationship over and over and fucking over again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've been putting this together for almost a year now. It started life as yet another gift for a friend who I keep ending up assigned in exchanges and then took on a life of its own.
> 
> I wanted to tell a story where coming out wasn't just a one time thing and wasn't something that ever stopped happening. While no one reacts badly, there is definitely a fear of that, and some reactions are better than others.
> 
> Huge thanks to ionthesparrow for making me turn this from a series of emails into an actual story.
> 
> Title from Billy Joel's Code of Silence.

There's no reason for it to happen in Alaska.

Nick and Kyle have been friends for years. Really friends, too, not just guys who know each other from playing hockey in the Cities most of their lives. Since the Hlinka, they've cheered each other on through state tournaments in high school -- not that first one, the one where Kyle knocked Nick out in the semis, but both of the ones after that. They committed to the same school -- and Kyle knows he's lying when he says Nick didn't factor into that decision -- and they somehow ended up drafted to the same team and yet: it hasn't come up.

But now they're in a hotel room in Anchorage, still too high on winning to fall asleep -- or at least Nick is; Kyle mostly just doesn't sleep well -- and for some reason, that's when Nick says it.

He looks like he thinks Kyle knew -- like he thinks everyone knows.

"I'm gay," he says. He says it simply, easily, like it doesn't make him want to puke. Kyle doesn't get how he can just do that.

***

They win again the next day and then they fly back and when they get home, Kyle can finally lock himself in his room, turn off his phone, and try to remember how to breathe normally. The night after that, he texts Nick, asks him to come over and watch Suits, like it's any other night.

They're sitting as close as ever, Nick's thigh pressed against Kyle's, nothing different, when Kyle blurts out, "I should've said when you did, but, um. Me too? Or, like, bi, I guess? Into guys, anyway."

He manages to say the last bit decisively, but he still feels like he's going to faint. Nick seems very far away. Everything seems very far away. If he wasn't already sitting down, he would need to be. He closes his eyes instead.

"Cool," Nick says. "Thanks for telling me." When Kyle opens his eyes, Nick's smiling down at him.

***

They don't tell the other guys. Well, Kyle doesn't. Nick doesn't seem to care who knows about him and the guys don't seem to care about it at all -- but it's Nick. Kyle's never known him to have trouble getting everyone to love him. It's different for Kyle.

They definitely don't tell anyone when Nick gets up the nerve to say, "So when you said you were into guys--" and Kyle flushes and Nick kisses him.

It's just theirs. That's how Kyle wants it and Nick -- well. Nick seems to want Kyle.

"We're going to have to be careful," Kyle says, a few days in.

"No one's going to care," Nick says. He kisses Kyle, like that will be reassuring. It is, distracts Kyle until Nick adds, "They don't care about me."

Kyle settles his head against Nick's chest. "It's different," he says. "It's both of us and it's -- I'm not you." Everything is easy for Nick -- hockey, their friends, Kyle. Kyle's had to fight for everything he's ever gotten, except for this, with Nick.

Nick doesn't look like he gets it, and when he says something, it's just, "I'm not great at secrets." It's not a no. Kyle knows what Nick's no sounds like by now. It's just a statement of fact.

"I know," Kyle says. "But can you try?"

"Whatever you want," Nick says. He still seems confused, maybe concerned, but they'll get there. "We'll figure it out."

***

After a few weeks of stolen moments and countless texts, invites for world juniors selection camp go out. Kyle isn't surprised that Nick gets one, but he is surprised when he gets a call too.

When he and Curt Skype that night, he isn't sure how they get from him telling Curt to Curt trying to reassure him that world juniors is going to be awesome, but he's pretty sure that's what's happening. Mostly it makes him feel worse, not better.

"You'll have Bjugstad with you, that's cool," Curt says.

Kyle doesn't say any of what he's thinking. He doesn't talk about how maybe he didn't get invited just for himself, about how maybe they only wanted him to play with Nick -- he knows Curt wouldn't have gotten an invite even if he was at BU, playing with Clendy. Even if Leddy was young enough and they were still playing together. He can't say that to Curt, can't hurt Curt like that.

Instead, he lets himself smile, the smile he usually smothers by rolling his eyes or thinking about anything but the way Nick makes him feel. "Yeah," he says. "That's going to be cool."

Curt laughs. "You guys are so weird."

"What do you mean?" Kyle doesn't usually have to ask that. He doesn't like it.

"Just -- remember how much you hated him in high school?"

"I never _hated_ him," Kyle says. "I hated _playing_ against him. And so did you!"

"Sure," Curt says, easy. "Who wouldn't've?"

Kyle takes a deep breath, reminds himself that this is Curt, and says, "There's something else."

Curt doesn't ask what. He waits, lets Kyle get there himself. It's just Curt. Kyle's pretty sure Nick's whole family knows about them by now. Kyle can tell Curt.

"Nick and I are kind of -- together."

"Kind of, or--?"

"Definitely," Kyle says. "Definitely together." He smiles again. It's less terrifying, telling someone, than he thought it would be -- but then, it's Curt. Curt matters more than anyone, but Kyle also trusts him more than anyone.

Kyle can't tell what Curt's face does, but Curt says, "And you're happy?"

"Yeah, of course." Kyle is; more so than he could have expected.

"That's what matters," Curt says. "If you're not, then I have to fight Bjugstad and no one wants that."

Kyle laughs, then, at the thought of it. Curt's taller than him, a little broader, but not enough to make fighting Nick anything like a good idea.

***

Kyle sleeps better at world juniors than he has in months. There's something soothing about the soft noises Nick makes as he's falling asleep and the way he wraps his entire body around Kyle's that makes it easy.

Outside of their hotel room, everything feels like it's falling apart.

Nick and Kyle play well together, but they can't figure out a way to win.

They don't actually get relegated, but it's too close for comfort.

***

When they get back to school, Nick says, "So Schmidty was saying that since you'll probably be over all the time, you should just live with us next year."

Kyle doesn't like that his first thought is that Nick's said something. "Why does he think I'm going to be over all the time?"

Nick just laughs -- and okay, he has a point -- then turns a little more serious. "If you don't want to risk it, it's fine, I get it. We can get a place just us or figure something else out if you don't want to do that, I get it if you don't want to, or--"

Kyle's glad they're sitting down, because it makes it easier to climb into Nick's lap and kiss him until he shuts up. "No, it would be cool," he says. "We just have to keep being careful."

He's not sure it'll actually be okay in the end, not sure about being able to be discreet when they're spending that much time together, but Nick's smile is enough to make it feel worth it for now.

***

"You guys are cool sharing, right?" Buddha says to them at some point while they're all grabbing lunch, talking about the place they're looking at. "You do when we're on the road."

Kyle doesn't know what to say. It would be nice, but -- there are too many buts for him to think through all at once. Nick says, "Nah, Rauser's sick enough of my mess. Don't make him put up with it all the time."

He knocks his knee against Kyle's as he says it and Kyle's pretty sure he's in love.

***

Their season ends in disappointment and then it's finals, which turns out to be an excellent excuse to lock themselves in Kyle's room more often. They don't get as much work done as they might otherwise, but it's also almost summer and they won't get to see each other nearly as much then.

"Hey," Nick says, on a night when Kyle's roommate has already said he doesn't plan on being back and so they're not really in a rush to get dressed. "So, I know we're not telling anyone here, but I kind of want to tell my mom if it's cool with you. She's going to want to know why I'm driving down to Eden Prairie all the time, and hanging out with Leddy isn't exactly going to cut it as a reason."

"You haven't told your family yet?" Kyle hasn't told his parents either, or his older brothers, but he told Curt, he tells Curt everything, and he figured Nick had at least told Janeen and probably Abbie, if not Mike. That's how Nick is with his family. "I told Curt."

Nick pulls back. "You did? I didn't think--"

"That's okay, right? I tell him -- mostly everything. Everything important. I haven't told anyone else."

"That's definitely okay." Nick's grinning -- he's almost always grinning when they're together, but Kyle doesn't get sick of it. And then Nick's smile falters. "I don't want to tell my dad," he continues, the last word strangely emphasized, and Kyle feels a little awful for him. "I try not to tell him anything, but -- my mom should know. She'll be mad it's been this long and I didn't tell her."

"So tell her," Kyle says. "I'm not coming to Bjugstad Family Dinner though."

"One day," Nick says and then he kisses Kyle and they don't say anything else for a while.

***

When Chad comes home from Houston for the summer, Kyle picks him up for the airport.

It's a long drive back to Eden Prairie and when Chad is quiet, Kyle gets lost in his thoughts. He thinks about Nick, always. He thinks about Nick wanting to tell Abbie and Janeen, about the way Kyle knows he wouldn't care if everyone knew.

He thinks about telling Chad, about saying, "I'm dating a guy. Yeah, you know him. Nick Bjugstad."

It isn't the worst thought he's ever had.

He almost does, but then Chad says, "Are you working out yet?"

"No," Kyle says. "Maybe in a couple of weeks."

"You can't take days off. Guys like us don't get days off. We don't get to make mistakes."

"I know," Kyle says. He doesn't think Nick is a mistake, but maybe Chad would. Maybe it's better not to say anything.

***

Nick and Kyle are the first ones who move into the apartment they're all sharing, a couple days before anyone else and it's -- Kyle wishes he liked it less.

They have the place to themselves and no real commitments yet and that translates into a lot of sex and video games and as Kyle falls asleep on the couch with his head in Nick's lap the day before Haula moves in, he thinks, _fuck, I might want this all the time._

***

They get through September and most of October with little incident. The Cities are small, in some ways, almost claustrophobic, but if they're careful, there are places they can disappear, places their friends aren't going to be, and they've gotten good at finding those places, places where Kyle can slide his hand into Nick's and lean against his shoulder, where Nick can pull Kyle into an alley and kiss him until he's dizzy with it.

The day before Kyle's birthday, the guys drag him out, and on the actual day, he's expected at home for dinner, but the day after, while they're walking to practice, Nick says, "Hey, I got you something. Well. Got us something, but for your birthday."

Kyle stops, raises both eyebrows at Nick. Nick digs his phone out of his bag, after checking his pockets for it, messes with it for a second, then tilts the screen so Kyle can see an email for a hotel booking.

When Kyle doesn't say anything, Nick says, "It's just -- I know the season's starting and we'll get it on the road some, but I'm really tired of sleeping alone and I figured you might be, too."

Kyle is.

***

It's nice to be able to take their time with each other when they get to the hotel and fall into bed. It's nice not to worry too much about being heard and not to worry at all about someone walking in.

It's even nicer to curl up together after Kyle's dragged Nick through the shower, to order takeout for dinner and to get distracted by kissing each other instead of watching the movie that's playing on Kyle's laptop.

"What do you think the guys would say if we told them?" Kyle asks.

Nick's quiet for a little while and then he asks, "Do you want to tell them?"

"No." Kyle's sure of that, at least. "But I want more nights like this."

There's another pause before Nick says anything -- long enough this time that Kyle swallows heavily and tries to figure out how to walk back whatever he said that screwed up -- but when he does, it's just, "me, too," and then he kisses Kyle again.

Later, Nick says, "Can I -- is it okay if I ask what you're so worried about?"

Kyle breathes in and out and in again and then says, "I don't want to be Nick Bjugstad's boyfriend." He regrets it immediately, the way it makes Nick flinch back, pull his arm from around Kyle, look ilke he's had the world pulled out from under him. "Not like that -- I want to be your boyfriend. I love that, I love _you_."

"I love you, too," Nick says, but it's automatic, weak, far away. Kyle has to fix this. He pushes himself up on one arm, so he can look at Nick.

"I just mean -- I don't want it to be the only thing people think about me. I don't want to just make it because we're a package deal and I don't want to not make it because we're, well, a package deal."

Nick looks up at Kyle and Kyle knows he wants to say something. Nick hates when Kyle is honest about their relative ability levels. Sometimes, Kyle needs that, but tonight isn't a night for that and Nick seems to sense that.

"Okay," he says. "Okay." He pulls Kyle to him and kisses him and Kyle's glad not to have to keep talking about this.

***

The next morning, Nick shows up back at the apartment empty handed and in the same shirt he wore the day before.

"Weren't you going home to do laundry?" Haula asks. He's too observant for his own good -- or for Kyle's.

Nick freezes, then says, "Uh, yeah. I -- forgot it here. I didn't realize until I got there."

It shouldn't be believable. Kyle isn't sure he's breathing.

And then Haula starts laughing and then Buddha does and Schmidty can never help joining in. "Of course you did," Haula says, once he's calmed down, and that sets them all off again.

"Told you," Nick mouths at Kyle over their heads. Kyle shakes his head and joins in the laughter.

***

They celebrate their anniversary quietly, an easy night between road games, and they keep being careful.

More and more, Nick looks tired. Kyle isn't sure if he's just noticing the shadows around his eyes more, if it's how Nick always looks, if it's the long, hard drag of the season, or just a side-effect of the way he always looks like he's catching himself these days.

Kyle wishes he could make any of it easier.

***

At Christmas, Kyle and his parents and Matt fly down to Texas, to Houston, where Chad's still playing. Curt drives out from Odessa and they get a few days together. It's good, but it would be better if Kyle could manage to find a second to himself.

Nick texts him more than he expects. Kyle loves his family, but Nick genuinely _likes_ his and holidays usually mean that he's never looking at his phone.

Kyle can't keep a smile off his face, though. Curt smirks at him when he notices and Chad gives him shit. Kyle texts Nick, _Chad keeps calling you my little lady._

It makes it easier to ignore Chad, harder to correct him. He hopes Nick won't mind that he can't make himself tell Chad.

***

When they get back, Matt sticks around town for a few days, enough time for Kyle to get up the nerve to say, "Can I talk to you?"

Matt looks surprised and Kyle can't really blame him. He can't think of the last time he dragged Matt aside -- Chad's the one he usually goes to, but he doesn't want to talk to Chad about Nick. Not yet. "Sure," Matt says, easy.

It's too cold to be outside, really, but somehow Matt can tell that Kyle doesn't want their parents to hear whatever he's going to say -- he's always been the smart one -- so he says, "I need to run an errand. I'm going to take Kyle with me," hugs their mom, and hustles Kyle out the door and into the car.

He doesn't say anything, just drives until Kyle finally says, "So you know how Chad was giving me shit about texting a girl at Christmas?"

When Matt nods, Kyle says, "it wasn't a girl."

Matt doesn't say anything and then he says, "Thank you for telling me, I guess. I don't care that you're into guys, if you need to hear that."

Kyle does, but he doesn't say so. "I haven't told Mom or Dad yet. Or Chad. Curt knows, though."

"Of course he does," Matt says. He's smiling; Kyle thinks that's a good sign. "So, this not-a-girl you were texting... I'm assuming it's serious if you're telling me."

"Pretty serious," Kyle says. It doesn't seem like a big enough word for it, for the way Nick makes him want to throw away everything he's working towards. Kyle knows he's only getting one chance at the NHL, if he's lucky, and that he can't complicate it. He isn't good enough, not like Nick. Nick's not a complication, but he complicates everything about Kyle. "We've been together for a year now."

"That's pretty definitely serious." They keep driving for a while, the quiet enough that Kyle can hear the way his heart hasn't stopped beating too-fast and then Matt says, "You don't have to tell me who it is, but if you want to --"

"I do. It's just --" Kyle takes a deep breath and then another and says, "It's Nick. Um. Bjugstad, not Leddy."

This time, when Matt is quiet, Kyle doesn't feel reassured. "I can see why you're not telling people. But Mom and Dad won't care, they'll just want you to bring him home."

He doesn't say anything about Chad.

***

Kyle drives Matt to the airport the next day, then drives himself back to the apartment. Nick's already there, playing NHL 12 with Schmidty.

Nick's face lights up when he sees Kyle, transparently joyful, and Kyle doesn't know why he ever thought this would be something they could keep secret. There's not really room for him on the couch with Nick and Schmidty, so he ends up sitting on the floor next to Nick's feet, maybe too obvious. When Schmidty gets up to pee, he leans back, looks up at Nick and say, "I didn't know you would be here."

"Mom's in Duluth visiting her in-laws," Nick says. "And I got sick of being at my dad's place." His voice is tight. Kyle knows there's not anything he can say that will change that, but he wants to be able to.

"I would've been here sooner if I knew." Kyle wants to say more, wants to tell Nick that he told Matt, wants to actually touch him. The toilet flushes and he doesn't do any of those things.

***

The lockout ends and they tie North Dakota and then the other guys all go out. Kyle's not sure what excuse Nick makes, but he knows Nick follows him home and they watch the end of Florida's first game of the season tucked together in Nick's bed. It's safer than the living room, they'll hear the front door open when the guys get home -- and Kyle doesn't even really care about that right now.

The game ends up 5-1, the same as they'd won by the night before, and that's nice, Kyle thinks. A good omen, he hopes. His fingers are tangled with Nick's and he looks down at them when he asks, "Do you wish you were there instead?"

Nick hesitates, a pause that Kyle shouldn't obsess over -- but he will, he can't help himself -- and then he says, "I'm pretty happy right here," and presses a kiss to Kyle's temple.

Kyle doesn't say anything.

Nick says, "It'll be cool when I get there, but I'm not in a hurry to leave."

That's enough for Kyle for now.

***

Curt comes home a few weeks later, tired and burned out and bruised by a nasty end to his last attempt at a hockey career. Kyle feels more guilty about it than he should. It isn't his fault that Coach wanted him and not Curt. It's not his fault that Curt failed out of the NAHL.

He feels less guilty and more like strangling Curt when he says something about heading back after dinner at their parents' one night and Curt coos, "Aww, gotta get home to the boyfriend, right?"

If their parents weren't there, it might be different. Kyle might give Curt shit right back, call him jealous, but their parents are there and both of them are very carefully not looking at Kyle. His mother's voice is deceptively steady when she asks, "Boyfriend?"

Kyle closes his eyes. "Yeah," he says. "Um. You know Nick?"

***

Curt walks Kyle out and says, "I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't know you hadn't told them."

"It's fine," Kyle says. Curt doesn't need to feel like he's failed at this too. "I needed to tell them."

Curt hugs him, quick, and says, "I'm proud of you."

Kyle feels like shit.

***

It's late when he gets back, late enough that no one is in the common areas of the apartment. That's good. It means no one will see him slip into Nick's room -- Nick has the single; it was unanimous that no one should have to deal with Nick's mess in their living space all the time.

Nick's sprawled on his bed, holding his geology textbook in the air and squinting up at it. When he notices Kyle, he says his name like a question, then drops the textbook and says, "ow."

"Are you okay?" Kyle asks.

"Fine," Nick says. "Are you?"

Nick's good at reading Kyle's moods, even when Kyle doesn't want him to be. He shrugs one shoulder and perches on the edge of Nick's bed, lets Nick pull him close.

"I told my parents about us," he says, shifting so he can bury his face in Nick's neck. It's not the whole truth, but Nick won't like the whole truth as much as this: that Kyle told someone.

"How'd it go?" Nick asks.

"They're pissed I didn't tell them sooner," Kyle says. "But they like you. Everyone likes you."

"I like _you_ ," Nick says and Kyle can't help smiling.

***

Kyle doesn't mean to fall asleep in Nick's room, but he does.

In the middle of the night, he wakes up and carefully sneaks out to the bathroom.

He should go back to his own room.

He doesn't.

***

They beat Wisconsin, which makes the bus down to Chicago for the rematch way more fun.

During the practice at Soldier's Field, everyone's taking pictures with each other, gathering around. Someone from somewhere wants to take a picture of Nick and Kyle together for a story he's working on and that makes it the easiest thing in the world to toss his phone to Schmidty and say, "can you get one, too?"

Nick doesn't look surprised, even though Kyle is sure he is, he just drapes his arm casually around Kyle's shoulder and smiles vaguely in Schmidty's direction.

The last thing Kyle does before he goes to sleep that night, curled up with Nick in another hotel room, is upload the picture of them to Facebook and set it as his profile picture.

***

They lose to Wisconsin and two weeks later, in what's going to be one of the last hotel rooms of Nick's college career, Kyle says, "Look, I know you're leaving."

"I don't know yet," Nick says, automatically. When Kyle stares at him, he sighs and finishes, "But probably, yeah."

"You're not going to be here next year. You're going to sign." Kyle doesn't bring up that Nick should've, could've, might've signed last summer. He looks up, meets Nick's eyes. When Nick finally nods, Kyle adds, "I want to tell the guys."

Nick's gotten better at not letting every thought he has show on his face, but Kyle can tell how pleased he is even as he asks, "Really?"

"Yeah," Kyle says. "Not everyone, but at least the guys we live with? We don't have much time left here." He wants as much of Nick as he can have and if that means telling a few people -- he trusts all three of them, he can stand it.

"That sounds really good."

He would tell the world if Kyle would let him. Kyle wishes, more and more, that he could give Nick that, that he could have the kind of faith in everything turning out well the way Nick does. He can give him this, though, and maybe it will be enough.

***

On Monday, Kyle wakes up late, drags himself to his stats lecture barely in time, and comes home to Schmidty saying to Nick, "so there's this guy in my theatre class you'd probably be into."

"How do you even know what I'm into?" Nick asks. Schmidty shrugs.

Nick's going to try to be polite, Kyle knows. Kyle has no desire to be polite. Kyle has not brushed his teeth or had his coffee and they've already talked about telling Schmidty. He drops his backpack by the door to make sure he has Schmidty's attention and then he says, "Nick's already seeing someone."

Nick's eyes fly all the way open and then he breaks into a smile.

"He is?" Schmidty asks. "Wait, seriously, you are? For how long?"

"A year and a half," Kyle says. He takes the last step towards the couch and sits next to Nick. Nick is warm and solid and Kyle can continue. "Um. Sorry for not telling you sooner, I guess."

"Wait." Schmidty looks at Nick and then he looks at Kyle and then he says, "Holy shit."

***

Erik and Buddha find out quickly enough after that and it's nice, not having to worry about their roommates finding out. Kyle can relax, a little, when he ends up next to Nick on the couch. He can spend the night in Nick's room.

The guys don't give them shit.

The guys very carefully don't give them shit.

That kind of sucks.

***

Finally, Buddha walks into the kitchen one morning when Nick and Kyle are standing there leaning against each other, waiting for the coffee to finish and says, "Ugh, get a room," without even looking at them.

Kyle relaxes.

***

They lose to Yale nine seconds into overtime in the first round of the tournament, Kyle and Nick both helpless to do anything else.

Three days later, Nick leaves for Florida.

***

The guys all watch Nick's first NHL game together, crammed into the house a bunch of the guys are sharing for the year. They're happy for him, thrilled to see him in the NHL.

Kyle could watch the rest of the games in the living room of the apartment -- everyone else is gone, too, Erik and Buddha and Schmidty all out on ATOs and ELCs -- but instead he crawls into Nick's bed with his laptop and streams them.

It's pathetic, but there's not anyone there to notice.

***

Kyle should go out with the rest of the team, the ones who are left, when they go out. He does, sometimes.

Mostly, though, he doesn't. He stays home, he watches Nick's games, he falls asleep Skypeing Nick. He goes to class in the mornings and he goes to the gym in the afternoons, even though the season's over and he should be letting his body rest. It's easier to rest when he's tired.

***

Nick's first goal is perfect. It sparks a rally, a win in the last game of the season, three points for Huby to shove him to the top of the rookie list again, a small spark of hope for the team's future.

(Nick also takes a dumb penalty, which Kyle will tease him for later, when he's home. For now, he texts him -- _congratulations, I love you, fucking finally_ \-- and then pulls out his econ notes.)

***

Nick doesn't get to come home when the season ends. Kyle wasn't counting on that. Instead, Nick packs his things -- what he has in Florida, anyway; Kyle's still in Minnesota, still surrounded by most of Nick's belongings -- and flies to Helsinki for worlds.

He sends Kyle pictures the whole time -- of his face captioned, _wish you were here_ , pictures of Kristo laughing with, _he's not actually a bad guy, I guess_ , more grudgingly than Kyle thought Nick was capable of. He sends pictures of Gally and Trouba doing dumb shit and of the three of them laughing together.

***

When Nick finally returns, he's got a bronze medal around his neck and the same easy smile. Kyle's missed him desperately.

That's probably why he says, "Okay," when Nick says, "Some of my family are getting together at Scott's tomorrow. Do you want to come?"

(Kyle doesn't, actually, want to -- but he wants to be wherever Nick is.)

***

"This is Kyle," Nick says to his aunts and uncles and his dad and few dozen cousins. "My boyfriend."

Kyle stops cringing by the fourth time, which he thinks is good.

***

Kyle spends most of the rest of the summer at the house Nick's sharing with a bunch of guys in St. Paul, all guys who they've slowly told that they're together. Summer is for training and for rest and for drinking in every second of having Nick back, of having Nick mostly to himself, that he can.

On Wednesday nights, he makes the drive out to Eden Prairie and to dinner at his parents' house. Curt is there every week, still living at home between semesters. Chad shows up less frequently, but it's enough. On nights when Chad's going to be there, Nick doesn't go with Kyle but then, on those weeks, Kyle doesn't even ask him to.

Eventually, Kyle says to Curt, "What do you think Chad will say if I tell him about Nick?"

"What the fuck," Curt says. "You haven't told Chad?"

Kyle shakes his head. "It's never really been the right time."

"And you're scared," Curt says.

Kyle winces. It's true, though. Chad's always put at least as much pressure on Kyle as Kyle has put on himself and while Kyle likes that, thrives under the attempt to live up to Chad's reputation and to be better than him, it's hard. "He's always on me about not being weak."

Curt looks confused for a moment and then suddenly sad. "Being gay doesn't make you weak, dumbass."

"I know that," Kyle says, looking down at his feet. He's pretty sure Curt doesn't need to hear him say that he's not sure Chad would agree, so he doesn't.

***

Matt comes home for a few weeks in late June and that Wednesday, Kyle says to Nick, "I'm going to tell Chad about us tonight."

Nick doesn't ask why Kyle hasn't told him yet. Nick doesn't even look hurt that Kyle hasn't, even though Kyle's pretty sure he is. He just asks, "Do you want me to go with you?"

"No," Kyle says. "I mean, I do, but I need to do this myself." If he's going to face Chad, he has to do it alone. He can't hide behind Nick.

When Nick kisses him, Kyle almost stops feeling sick with dread.

***

Matt and Chad are out back on the deck when Kyle gets to the house and Kyle's done plenty of difficult things in his life, but when he lies to Matt and says, "Mom's looking for you," he's pretty sure he's never done anything harder than this is going to be.

He settles down into the chair Matt vacated next to Chad and says, "so there's something I need to tell you."

"Uh," Chad says. "Okay?"

Usually, their conversations don't start like this, but Kyle's thought about this hundreds of times and there's never seemed to be a good way to start. He has to do it, though, especially now that he's told Nick he's going to. "You know Nick?"

"Bjugstad? Yeah, of course. Is he okay?" Chad seems concerned, which is probably a good thing.

"He's fine." Kyle's chest feels tight. He makes himself breathe and he thinks about Nick's smile and the way he'd said, _I want to tell the whole world_. "I just -- figured I should tell you that, uh, we're dating."

Kyle can tell the moment it hits Chad, the moment his face smoothes out from being worried and confused into what he thinks a supportive older brother should look like. Supportive is the only one of Chad's moods that Kyle doesn't know how to handle. "It doesn't matter to me," he says. "But you're going to have to be --"

"Careful, I know," Kyle says.

Chad says some more, after that, but Kyle can't hear any of it over how badly he wants to put his head between his knees until the world stops spinning.

***

Dinner tastes like sawdust, but Kyle dutifully takes some of the leftovers back with him to Nick's. When he gets there, Nick's in bed, early for him. He's doing something on his phone, but he looks up immediately when Kyle opens the door to their room.

"Hey," Nick says, smiling hopefully up at him. "How'd it go?"

"Ugh," Kyle says. He kicks his jeans off and crawls into Nick's arms. He doesn't want to re-live it.

Nick's face falls. "What happened? What did he say?" His body is tense, suddenly, and Kyle needs to make that go away.

"He said it doesn't matter."

"That's good, right?" Nick's confused, now, and Kyle can't blame him. He feels silly, a little, for how much he thinks it was the wrong thing for Chad to say.

"Yeah." Kyle shrugs and then buries his face in Nick's neck until he feels like he can keep talking. "He reminded me that we have to be careful."

"Like you didn't know that," Nick says.

"I'm sick of knowing it," Kyle snaps. Nick doesn't pull back. He also doesn't say anything, he just waits for Kyle to say, "I just -- I wanted him to know that you matter. This, us, it matters so much."

Nick doesn't look like he gets it, and Kyle isn't sure he does either, but Nick says Kyle's name and then he kisses him and that's enough.

***

Nick goes down to development camp alone. He calls every night, says he misses Kyle, updates him on the way Rocco is pretending not to care that Huby's freshly obsessed with Barkov and how Matheson seems like he's constantly on the verge of snapping and murdering Trivino, even though he's normally extremely chill.

It's nice. Kyle wishes he was there instead of studying for his summer marketing class.

***

On his last night in Florida, Nick says, "Huby keeps asking if I'm talking to my girl."

"You haven't told him?" Kyle's slowly realized that almost everyone they know is aware that Nick's gay. It's part of how Nick hates keeping secrets.

"About you? Of course I haven't." Nick sounds much less annoyed than Kyle would be in Nick's shoes.

"No, not about me -- you can just say it's your guy."

"I guess," Nick says. Kyle wishes he was there, that they could have this conversation in person.

He takes a deep breath and says, "This isn't going to be forever. I think it'll be okay eventually. I want to--"

"It's fine," Nick says. "I get it."

***

Sometimes -- most of the time -- Kyle thinks that he's asking Nick for too much, that Nick will come home from Florida at some point -- he'll want to do this in person, he'll think Kyle deserves that much, even though Kyle doesn't deserve any of what Nick gives him -- and say, "this isn't worth it."

Kyle won't even be able to argue with that.

***

What actually happens is this: Nick comes home and he loads up his truck with his fishing gear and he coaxes Kyle into it and up to his dad's cabin.

"I brought you back a present," he says, handing Kyle a bag. Inside is a folded Panthers jersey -- Kyle doesn't have to look to know that it's Nick's.

"You bought me your jersey," Kyle says.

Nick's a little pink, but Kyle can't tell if that's from embarrassment or the sun. "I just want to see you in it."

Kyle laughs, but he pulls it on anyway. There's no one around and anyway, he's pretty sure Nick isn't going to have him keep it on for long.

***

They don't totally slack off while they're at the cabin. Training doesn't ever stop for either of them, especially since Nick's going to be trying to make the NHL soon, but it's nice to have a few days that are just theirs.

"I love you," Nick says, over and over: as they crawl into bed, while Kyle fumbles his way through making breakfast, when Kyle thanks him from bringing him a sandwich, constantly, really, like he's getting his fill of saying it now, while he can.

Kyle loves him too -- maybe too much, even, and that's why on their last night at the cabin, he takes a deep breath, looks down at Nick's head where it's resting in his lap and says, "You know I trust you, right?"

Nick turns his head so that he's looking up at Kyle and he nods. "Yeah, of course."

"You're not going to tell anyone who'll -- care or leak it or whatever. Repeat it. So I think -- if there's someone you want to tell, that you think we can trust, that would be -- you could."

"I want to tell everyone," Nick says, faster than he could've thought it. Kyle knew that, though. "I mean, I won't, but -- thank you."

Kyle smiles down at him -- and of all the things he loves about Nick, he's maybe most thankful for how Nick's learned when Kyle doesn't want to talk anymore.

***

It's too soon when Nick goes back to Florida and Kyle moves in with a new group of guys -- which is fine, it's pretty much the same as last year, except that Nick's not there and that sucks.

Two days before training camp starts for real, Nick sends Kyle a text that says, _concussion :(_ and a second one, before Kyle's figured out how to respond that says, _I'll be fine, don't worry._

Kyle isn't sure that it's possible for him not to worry about Nick. _Too late,_ he sends back.

***

When Nick's cleared, he's expecting to get sent down to Texas, but Florida struggles out of the gate, everyone except Barkov, and injuries are piling up and, "They want me to stay up," Nick says.

"That's great," Kyle says. He's happy for Nick, he's always happy for Nick, then and when Dineen gets fired and Horachek moves Nick up to the first line.

The best part about that is, it means Nick will still be with the Panthers when they come to town. It means that Kyle might get to actually see him.

***

The Panthers have a long break at Christmas and Nick comes home for a couple of days. It isn't long, but it's nice. Kyle picks him up at the airport and when Nick gets in the car at the airport, he says, "I told someone about you."

Kyle almost asks what Nick means but there's really only one thing he could mean. "Who?" he asks instead.

"Jonny," Nick says. "Uh, Huberdeau, I mean."

"I didn't know you two were that close," slips out before Kyle can stop it.

"We're pretty close," Nick says. "And -- I know he's not going to say anything. He'd pretty much figured it out anyway."

"I believe you," Kyle says, because it's true. "I guess I just thought you'd tell me if there was someone you were going to tell."

"I didn't know you wanted that," Nick says.

Kyle didn't know either.

***

When the season ends, it's with the Panthers only ahead of Buffalo in the standings, another waste of a year -- and the Gophers don't fare much better, in the end. It doesn't really matter if you make the postseason when your last game's a loss.

Nick gets invited to worlds again, but he turns it down.

"Are you nuts?" Kyle asks.

"My mom wants to see me walk at graduation," Nick says. "And I miss you."

Kyle ignores the way his stomach flip-flops and says, "I miss you, too," even though he wants to tell Nick this is dumb a few more times before saying that. He can't help himself.

***

Nick walks with his class and Kyle is there to see him do it. It's nice to get to see. Kyle knows better than maybe anyone how much it took out of Nick to graduate on time, how many nights out with the guys he didn't get -- and even how many nights the two of them spent with FaceTime open while they studied, trying not to get distracted by each other.

"Let me get a picture of the two of you," Janeen says after -- and Kyle can't say no to Nick's mom.

The picture she gets is good, nice, the kind you put in a frame, but Kyle likes the one Abbie texts Nick later even better, with Nick's arm still around Kyle's shoulders and the two of them looking at each other and smiling.

***

When the summer ends, Nick goes to Florida and Kyle goes back to school for one last try at a championship.

It's a good year. Nick's playing out of his mind, leading the team in scoring again, and it looks like they might even make a little noise down there.

Nothing about the last year and a half would've made Kyle say that Nick wasn't happy -- nothing about Nick, ever, really -- but it's pretty obvious that this year is better.

Nick is happy. And Kyle misses the hell out of him.

***

There's enough time for Nick to come home for Christmas, but his mom wants to be in Florida, any excuse in the winter, and neither of them can blame her. "Do you want to come down too?" Nick finally asks.

"When?" Kyle asks. It doesn't matter when. They'll figure out a time that works, a few days where Kyle can fly down and collapse in Nick's bed and on the beach and defrost from a Minnesota winter.

***

Kyle flies in the morning the Panthers play the Leafs, a couple of days after Christmas. Nick picks him up at the airport in his shitty truck, hair still wet from the shower he took after morning skate.

They have lunch and Nick takes his nap and drives to the arena, leaving Kyle alone with Janeen.

Eventually, she says, "We should leave in ten minutes."

"I'm not going," Kyle says.

She hides her surprise well, but Kyle's used to identifying Nick's startled and mildly disappointed face and while Nick may look nothing like his mother, their faces move in the same way.

He takes a deep breath and says, "We're not telling people I'm here. We haven't told any of them about us and it would be kind of weird."

Janeen's face twists, but she says, "Okay. I'll see you later?"

"I'll be awake," Kyle says.

***

Two nights later, Nick bangs home a goal to steal the team a point with two minutes left in regulation while Kyle watches from the couch.

For the first time in a long time, it's hard for Kyle to fall asleep next to Nick that night.

***

"I miss you," is the first thing Kyle says to Nick when he gets back to Minnesota, back to the cold, back to his team.

Nick says it back and adds, "I love you," and maybe that's enough.

Maybe that's what they get.

***

They lose to Merrimack, beat RIT, and that's pretty much how it goes, losing a little more than they're winning.

"You're playing great," Nick says.

"Not good enough," Kyle says.

Nick just smiles at him and even through their phone screens, it makes Kyle feel a little better.

***

The Panthers come to town in February and Kyle's waiting for Nick at the team hotel when they get there.

Nick gets in Kyle's car and all Kyle wants is to touch him, kiss him. He settles for grabbing Nick's hand after he shifts the car into drive. Later, he promises himself.

There's easily a dozen of Nick's relatives there, most of whom Kyle's already met, and Kyle fades into the background, watching Nick smile and hug everyone, watching him play with his little cousins, and it's almost too much.

During dinner, Nick throws his arm across the back of Kyle's chair. Kyle has missed him desperately.

Eventually, Nick says, "We need to head back to the hotel," and hustles Kyle out of the house and into the car.

When they get to the team hotel, Nick says, "Not here. The one next door."

"We could've gone to my place," Kyle says. He could handle telling those guys, he thinks. He could handle it, if Nick wanted him to.

"Better bed at the hotel," Nick says and Kyle can't argue with that.

***

Kyle has been to most of the games the Panthers have played in Minnesota since Nick was drafted and the one the next night is no exception.

At some point in the second, Nick goes speeding down the ice and the angle should be impossible -- maybe it would be, for anyone else, but Kyle stands up almost before Nick shoots, because he knows: it's going to go in. The angle doesn't matter, the way Dubnyk's been playing doesn't matter, it's Nick and he's going to make that shot.

Maybe half the lower bowl stands up as the puck crosses the goal line, cheering for Nick, because he may be wearing white, but that doesn't mean he belongs to Minnesota any less.

***

The next day, Kyle scores a hat trick and they finally beat Michigan.

***

Two days later, Nick gets hurt.

Nick doesn't realize how bad it is, and neither do the trainers, who keep saying that it's a hip tweak. That's what he keeps telling Kyle, too, even when he stops being able to bend at the waist, even when his play starts to decline, even when he stops being able to play.

It's not a tweak and it's not Nick's hip.

"The good news is, I'm flying home tomorrow," Nick texts Kyle after his doctor's appointment.

"That's not actually good news," Kyle replies. There's a month left in the season and that means Nick's hurt much worse than he's been letting on.

"The bad news is, I'm having surgery."

***

Nick has surgery the same day the Gophers get eliminated in New Hampshire. He's fine and Kyle knows that when the game starts, but it still sucks to not be there.

It sucks more to lose.

When he gets home, Kyle wants nothing more than to collapse face down on his bed and never move. Instead, he gets in his car and he drives to the hospital to see Nick.

***

The next day, Kyle's agent calls and says, "They want to get you under contract and down to San Antonio as soon as possible."

Kyle is sitting in the chair in Nick's hospital room, his advertising notes resting on his knees. Nick's asleep, dozing at least, and Kyle doesn't ever want to leave.

"Okay," he says. "Get the best deal you can."

"You know I will." There are more details to discuss, things to make sure they're on the same page about. By the time they're done, Nick's starting to stir. Kyle stands and moves closer to the bed so he can take Nick's hand.

"You're still here." He smiles and Kyle doesn't know how there's anyone in the world who isn't completely in love with that smile.

"Yeah," Kyle says. "But they're offering me a contract."

***

Being in Texas while Nick is the one who's back home is strange.

The guys are great, though, and it's a great experience. They'll make the playoffs, Kyle will get another chance at helping a team to win.

He ends up spending a lot of time with Mike Matheson, the other new guy, and he's exactly as easy to get along with as Nick said he was. He's got a girl back in Boston and the way he talks about her makes Kyle miss Nick even more.

They get close enough that by the time they're packing up to leave, Kyle makes himself say, "Yeah, it'll be good to be home. I miss my boyfriend." He doesn't even need to sit down after he says it.

There are a lot of things Kyle can say about Nick that have nothing to do with Nick Bjugstad, second line center for the Florida Panthers, and so when Mikey asks, Kyle tells him.

***

Nick's still not cleared for much when Kyle gets back. They end up spending most of their time sitting on a couch in the apartment he's rented for the summer, looking at real estate listings. Nick seems most concerned with whether or not Kyle likes the places he's looking at, which is sweet.

Kyle's the one who goes to development camp and leaves Nick behind this year.

He's surprised by how much he likes Barkov -- he knew Nick did, but Nick likes everyone. Ekblad's nice, too, reminds him a bit of Nicky with his size and the way he's always smiling.

"He talks about you a lot, you know," Sasha says on the last day of camp.

Kyle suddenly feels too warm. "He talks a lot about everything," he says. Sasha doesn't push it.

***

They drive down together before Kyle starts rookie camp and when main camp starts, Kyle takes the excuse to move out of the hotel the rookies were in and into Nick's house.

It's fine. They've lived together before. It's almost expected. Smitty's moved in with Pirrs until he can find a place and Juho's staying with Sasha until he gets sent back to juniors, though that's probably more for Sasha's mom's cooking than anything else.

Kyle keeps most of his things in the larger guest room, but he curls up next to Nick at night and mostly that's enough.

They spend their summers with people who know that they're together now. He doesn't have to worry about if he's looked at Nick for too long or if their hands have brushed too many times or if someone's watching.

It's exhausting, going back to that.

***

Kyle's expecting it when he gets sent down. It isn't in the first round of cuts, which is nice, but they've always known he's going to be in Portland for at least the start of the year, maybe the whole year.

After he gets cut, they go home. Kyle should be packing his things, but instead he lets Nick pull him onto the bed. They have hours until he needs to leave for his flight.

"You'll be back here for good soon," Nick says.

"Yeah," Kyle says, even though he isn't sure he really believes it. Nick believes enough for both of them. "Soon."

***

Everything is going well, for both of them, until Nick calls and says, "I've been getting headaches again."

Kyle sits down. "Like you did after the concussion?"

There's a long pause before Nick says, "Yeah. They don't think that's what this is, though. Just migraines."

"Just," Kyle repeats.

"Just," Nick says like he's trying to be reassuring. "It's not a big deal, but I wanted to tell you why I wasn't going to be playing before you found out somewhere else."

"So it's bad enough for you not to play, but I shouldn't worry?" Kyle shakes his head, even though Nick can't see it. "Nicky, the last time you told me not to worry about you, you ended up having back surgery."

"I can pretty much promise you I'm not going to end up having back surgery for this." Nick laughs, but Kyle can hear the way it sounds forced.

"I know." Kyle exhales slowly. "But I'm going to worry about you anyway."

***

A week or two later, Nick asks, "What if I come up to visit you?"

Kyle is sitting in his room, the door shut even though he's the only one who's home. He takes a moment, thinks about Nick being there, next to him. About not having to miss him constantly, because he'll be there, at least for a little while. About how there's no way he'll be able to hide what they are from the guys he lives with.

He must wait too long before replying, because Nick says, "I don't have to. I just thought--"

"No, come," Kyle says. "You should definitely come."

"Good, because I already bought tickets."

***

That night, after Mikey and Mack get home, Kyle says, "Hey, is it cool with you guys if my boyfriend comes to visit for a few days?"

"You mean I finally get to meet him?" Mikey asks.

"You have a boyfriend?" Mack asks.

"Yeah," Kyle says to both of them. "You've, uh, kind of already met him though."


End file.
